Emotional Leaks

#187: Addressing Emotional Adultery

I'm re-reading a book I finished over two years ago and one interesting concept I came across is "Emotional Adultery." It's from D.Raunikar's book, "Choosing God's Best" and it's under the sub-topic "Emotional Oneness."

Many who have never been involved in a sexual affair have had emotional affairs. Counterfeit emotional oneness develops when you give your emotions to someone beyond what is required for friendship...

Many marriages have faltered when partners have become emotionally entangled with someone else by allowing their conversation levels to go deeper than the commitment levels required for friendship. This is called Emotional Adultery.

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One of my friends raised a question a couple of weeks ago about the possibility (or feasibility) of maintaining an "ex" as a close friend. I don't have "ex's" in the technical sense of the word and most of the guys who've crossed lines in the past, I've cut off from my life so I wasn't in the best position to give good insights that night. Thinking about it now, I've come to realize that consciously or sub-consciously, I have actually tried keeping certain distances from previously close guy friends whenever they enter relationships to avoid getting cast as a "third party." (Trauma, anyone?)

This brings me to point out certain levels of willingness to step aside so that relationships of a particular kind can flourish. You cannot let an "ex" continue occupying a space which is no longer his or hers. One may reason out that it's only a small portion or little square foot of emotions that are being exchanged with him/her. Thing is, it doesn't matter how small you perceive or paint it to be. It's still a leak in the bucket. It's still a crack. It's still a possible avenue for emotional adultery.

I guess a good measure is to ask whether the topic being discussed could be shared with the current partner. If not, then why not? Another good question would be whether this can be shared with another friend who doesn't have the baggage of previous involvement. If it can, then why choose the "ex"? Third, we can ask whether we can talk about this with a person of the same gender instead. Does it really have to be with someone from the opposite gender?

I know it's more complex than this. As I said, it's not like I've really encountered such a problem before. I'm not an expert in the subject matter. The only credential I can claim is that of being able to cut ties and quietly walk away.